A Healthier Grieving

    Healthy grieving, one of the key elements of healthy grieving is allowing your emotions to surface in order to work through them. In the long run, trying to stuff down your feelings—in the belief that they will simply fade with time—is counter-productive. When ignored, grief causes pain that is sometimes so excruciating that people want to numb and escape it through alcohol or medications. But in blocking the grieving process you block the natural return to interest and meaning in life that follows the grieving process and is its real end point.

 Take care of yourself through self-expression

 * Talk. You deserve to express yourself at this difficult time, even though others may discourage or even reprimand you for having a strong emotional reaction. Talk about your loved one to others or to God (and encourage them to do so, too). If they are uncomfortable, gently let them know that part of your healing process is getting it off your chest.

* Write. Start or continue writing in a journal or diary. You may want to compose a letter to the deceased person to describe how you feel and ‘say’ things you never got to say. Some questions to write about: how would you spend the rest of your life if you only had a short time to live? Would you say or do things differently? Be as honest as possible about how you feel.

 * Create. You may want to create a special collage or other artistically-inspired memento about your loved one, like a scrapbook. For those who are beginner artists, you can use memorabilia items or something symbolic like seashells. In the process, your thoughts and feelings may become clearer as you provide a creative outlet for expression. This exercise also may bring up other feelings that you need to face.

* Remember . Let this be an opportunity to reflect on the good times. Looking back, what do you appreciate about the contributions of your loved one? What are the moments together that you cherish the most? Do things to honor and remember your loved one: if they loved flowers, plant a garden in their honor or help others plant gardens; support the causes and organizations that were important to your loved one.

Take good physical care of yourself

* Get enough sleep . A regular sleep routine will be of benefit. If you are tired during the day, give yourself a chance to sit or lie down. Resting your body will help your emotional recovery . See Help guides Getting the Sleep You Need: Sleep Stages, Sleep Tips and Aids to understand why a restful night’s sleep is important and how it’s adversely affected by caffeine, medications, heavy smoking and alcohol.

* Avoid chemicals. Though you may crave a chemical to help you get through this time, try your best to steer clear of substances like alcohol, caffeine, nicotine, because their side effects can be unhelpful in the long-term. For instance, instead of coffee, opt for green tea, which is less jolting to your energy.

* Eat well . Even if it’s the furthest thing from your mind, pay attention to the quality of what you eat. Take the time to eat nutritious meals while sitting down, avoiding processed or ‘fast’ food (even though you may be pressed for time and not feel like cooking). For more information on optimal nutrition, especially when you must eat out, read Help guides articles on Healthy Eating / Healthy Diet and Fast Food Nutrition / Healthy Restaurants.

Take care of yourself emotionally

* Have fun. Is there a book that you have wanted to read or a movie you haven’t had time to see? This is the time to do it. Whether it’s listening to uplifting music or getting a massage, do what makes you happy. For more ideas, see Help guides Playing Together for Fun: Creative Play and Lifelong Games. Even though you may feel guilty about being pampered at this time, you deserve to treat yourself well.

* Forgive. The death of someone you love brings an end to opportunity to communicate. You may be reminded of the need to forgive that person for a past hurt—and forgive yourself if need be—then move on. Maybe you said something you regret. Perhaps you wish you had done more at the time. In your grief, you may have felt embarrassed, guilty or angry (which is completely understandable). Let yourself off the hook and apply that energy into something positive.

* Plan ahead. Anniversaries and holidays bring their own particular challenges. You may feel especially emotional a year after your loved one dies, on their birthday or another significant marker. Attending an event such as a graduation, wedding or funeral can be highly charged, as well. This is a completely normal reaction. In order to prepare, talk to other members of your family to find out what their expectations are. Decide together how you would like to change your traditions while honoring the memory of your loved one.

* Get the support you need. There are people who want to help you get through this time—friends, loved ones, pastoral counselors, bereavement counselor, trained laypersons and professionals .Often people want to help, but don’t know what to do.

* Accept help that feels good. 

* It’s alright to tell people who want to help how they can best help you.

* One of the most helpful things might be to prepare healthy meals for you.

* Some people can take time to just listen and hold you as you cry.

* A good friend might even laugh with you, in the midst of your pain.

It is important to have an outlet for sharing grief, even for people who aren’t usually comfortable talking about their feelings. Humans are social creatures and knowing that others know and understand will make you feel better, less alone with your pain. Many support groups exist for the general public as well as specific populations, such as grieving parents and suicide survivors. Whatever the nature of your loss, connecting with others will help you heal. You will know how far you’ve come when you can share another’s pain and know the possibility of recovery.